I found myself taking responsibility for the happiness of others when all of this started. I kept trying to keep things light and happy for everyone around the house and trying to "fix" things or make things "better" (that were completely out of my control) in order to avoid someone being mad, edgy or suffer. I felt anxious if the people around me were having a bad day, were in pain, were feeling sad or down as I thought it was my responsibility to make it better.
ALL OF OUR OLD WOUNDS are being torn open.
I've been a pleaser for most of my life. I truly and genuinely care about people and love making them laugh, smile and feel good about themselves BUT I often took it to a place where I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I would do it to avoid them being mad at me, to avoid having conflict or confrontation or not to "ruffle any feathers". I would do it because it was the "right thing to do", because I was scared of speaking up and because of others expectations or what they would think or say.
Allowing others to control or dictate our life and our actions will never lead us to the person we are meant to be. We must stop robbing ourselves. When we continually give away our time in order to please others we not only hurt and ignore our wants, we end up feeling drained, resentful and frustrated.
"What you do not change, you are choosing."
Own your role!
If you are saying YES when you mean really mean NO, there is usually something you are needing from the situation or interaction. It can be the need for approval, the fear of being seen a certain way or the fear of loss, whatever it is for you, figuring it out will be key to you growing through this layer, finding your voice and setting clear boundaries. It will not be comfortable at first, get comfortable with the discomfort, you are so worth it.
When your boundaries are clear, others know where they stand AND you are able to give your 100% focused love, energy and attention freely. You are able to give unconditionally and wholly and become more impactful in your thoughts, words and actions. Like Brené Brown says, "Clear is Kind".
As women and moms, we have all been called to step up to so many roles as we are all home isolating. The cleaning, picking up, cleaning, making meals, cleaning.. all in addition to trying to work from home, home school, move daily, eat healthy, support everyone around you and ... doesn't leave very much time for you. Life was crazy and has gotten even more crazy! Yes, there are some things that just need to be done, others ( ie the times you say yes when you really don't want to) , you are choosing. Only you can choose to say NO and put that time and energy into something else- like your project, dream or goal!! If you are not willing to do it, change it. If you are not willing to change it, stop complaining.
I want you to start including yourself in all the people you love and take care of! I want you to be "selfish", to lovingly speak up for yourself and do what you want to do so you can start chasing your dreams and create more happiness in your life.
3 actions steps to clear boundaries in your life
01. Give yourself time.
Giving yourself time before you answer . This helps ensure that you make these decisions from a calm space, where you can breathe and your mind can be quiet for a minute. I find giving myself permission to not answer right away, helps me connect to me and what's important to me. In a world that is so rushed it's easy to believe that we must answer and take action right away. Take a moment to breathe, get still and connect to your body. Don't do it in the middle of multitasking a bah-gillion things - but nobody says it can't be in the bathroom, on a short walk, in the driveway or parking lot when you are waiting (this is often when I gather myself, breathe and get grounded again). Being creative as to where you fit it in is part of the journey! Keeping it simple and BE CREATIVE !
02. If it's not a Hell Yesssss!! It's a NO! Following the Hell Yesssssssss!!! ( yes there are that many "sssss") is about learning to "follow your heart" again. It's about learning and listening to what's important and right for you. You may need to dig a little deeper and look at your self-worth, I know I did. Knowing that your opinion counts, that your time is valuable and that you deserve some of it too! Knowing that you are worthy of Joy and happiness and that it's ok for you to put yourself first. Watch this video for more.
When exciting, new experiences and opportunities arise, instead of saying Yes to all of them (where you put yourself in a state of overwhelm and become less impactful) evaluate if it's a Hell Yessss AND if it's a Hell Yessss for NOW or is there another time where it would be best for YOU.
03. Share your voice. It takes courage to speak your truth and stand up for what you believe in. Commit to this practice and no matter how little or big you think it is, practice hearing the sound of your voice. Share what's important to you and share your opinions. Sing in the shower and practice speaking up for yourself with someone who you feel safe. Feel your voice and hands tremble and do it anyways, you are so worthy no matter what anyone told you in the past.
Only you can choose to be brave enough to grow through these limiting beliefs and stories etched in your mind and made to keep you small.
This is when it gets hard and you will need courage.
You will have to say NO to people you love, to people you look up to, to people you specialize, to people you validate your worth from and even to the people you love and respect the most in life. BE BRAVE. You got this. You are so worthy of happiness and of having the time and space to be with YOU. Carving out the time to create the life that you want can be scary at first. I felt so selfish but that's part of my relearning.. Now, I'm ok with being "selfish" if it means listening and including Lisa in my day.
Intentionally prioritizing and scheduling (notice how I didn't say drop everything you are doing because for many of us that is not realistic or sustainable) things that matter to you will help shift your worth and love for YOU. From this space you will begin to attract more Joy and abundance into your life. It will also be easier for you not to take on what's not yours, stay resourceful and grounded in your truth.
Only you can decide what is and isn't allowed in your life.
Commit to yourself and follow the Hell Yessssss.
.... And if it's not a Hell Yesss!, it's a NO!!!
xo