My soul has been calling and I have ignored it.
I have been doing my best at keeping all of the plates in my life spinning and yet I feel hungry.
I rest a lot, nap daily, meditate twice daily, take a bath nightly and am in bed by 9pm and some mornings I am waking up tense, sore and tired.
I was starting to feel frustrated at not having any time for my projects, fear around losing what I've created, annoyed at how I've never done this before and it's taking me so long to figure all of this out...
I found myself reaching for my phone or mindlessly eating if I was "feeling bored", trying to fill the space.. avoiding what I really needed...
I could hear the whispers but I kept telling myself "I am slowing down, how can I rest any more than I am right now?" I kept serving, loving on others, being present.. and the whispers got louder. My soul is calling for a deeper connection.. with ME. This can only happen with space and silence.
Now I know, I need some time with me.
You see, this scares me. A lot. I have avoided being with me my entire life. I did not trust what I would do, how much I would eat and the destruction I would cause if I was left by myself. Also, I love helping and caring for others and I want to be there for people during these very stressful times. I love the feeling of finishing a new project and the feeling I get from helping and inspiring others.
I am being called to go inward instead of reaching outward for my happiness, fulfillment and accomplishments.
Yes, this scares me and Yes, I am going to do it anyways. I will be taking a break from my blog this week so I can be with me and reconnect with Lisa. I am going to feel what I need to feel and sit and be quiet (gahhhhhhh!!! So uncomfortable !!!) . I am ready. My heart is calling for me to create and connect to my intuition. Find JOY in the journey.
I will be painting daily and weaving my days with things that nurture me and bring me JOY. I will be present and playful with my family. I will serve my community at the office... and all of the other time is going to be used to fall in love with myself and become my own best friend. When I looked at my phone usage report from last week, I took all pressure off of myself (yes, I was creating a lot of shoulds and pressure around being there for others) and committed to using that time to explore what it's like to be with Lisa instead.
Did I mention how much this scares me??!! haha!
I feel selfish and I feel like I am letting people down.
Deep down in my heart I know that this will help me become the person and the leader I need to be, the leader I wish I had and that the world needs me to be.
Life will be different after all of this passes and many opportunities will arise. My body is asking for me to stay in the season of Winter and trust that deep cellular healing and connecting to my soul IS ENOUGH for now. This is my season of preparation.
I am loosening my grip. I surrender. I am scared and yet have a deep feeling of peace. My stomach is buzzing with excitement like when you are about to embark in something magical.
I love you all and am here for you. Thank you for being on this journey with me,
xo